Stupid stories
by Crazee Coaky
Summary: These are a bunch of crazee short fics, that don't make any sense at all, but are apparently hilarious! so read if you like it! PS. DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of Harry Potter Characters in my fics. They all belong to the wonderful J.K Rowling!
1. Shut up!

"Shut up!"

"No! **You** shut up!"

"Excuse me?" Hermione asked in disbelief and disgust

"You heard me, Shut up!" Ron retorted

Harry rolled both his eyes, and whispered haughtily, "both of you SHUT Up!"

Hermione and Ron stared at Harry, "What did you say?" they both asked

"I said shut up"

Hermione slapped Ron, when she actually meant to slap Harry, Ron slapped Hermione, and Harry slapped both of them. Ron and Hermione both slapped Harry. Harry slapped Ron again. Ron slapped Harry. Hermione got a stool and slammed it on the table. The table broke. Harry and Ron stopped slapping each other, and shook their heads in disappointment, "tch tch tch" Ron said, and waving is finger.

Hermione gave him a filthy and slapped him again. She also slapped Harry just because; his face didn't have Hermione's hand mark anymore. Harry's glasses fell of and he started slapping a teapot.

They all got kicked out of the _Three Broomsticks_ all very red faced.

Harry groaned and muffled, "It's all your fault"

Hermione stood up, brushed her hair out of her face, put her hands on her hips and hollered, "EXCUSE ME??"

Ron stood up, and exclaimed, "Oh just shut up!"


	2. Skipping

Draco was skipping, with his favourite pink skipping rope that changed green every time it was in the sun. His mother gave it to him for Christmas.

He skipped all around the grounds, his common room and in class. 

Hermione got very jealous; she wanted a pretty skipping rope too. But Draco just stuck his pointy nose up in the air, and said that it wasn't good enough for lumpy little mudbloods.

Hermione got really angry, and swore revenge on Draco for calling her lumpy. So she got a better-looking skipping rope that even moved by itself and turned rainbow colours. She skipped everywhere too, showing off to Draco. Draco gave her a nasty look, and crept in the dead of the night into her dorm, and cut the skipping rope in half.

In the morning, Hermione realised what Draco had done, and started crying over the loss of her brand new skipping rope. She was all puffy eyed when she saw Draco again, and she started crying when she saw Draco with his sparkly pink skipping rope. Draco felt sorry for her, so he decided to lend her his wonderful skipping rope.

Hermione was elated, and hugged Draco. Draco was stunned but hugged back. Now they love happily ever after.

The end


	3. Harry's pretty date

Harry went out on a date 

A very nice date

This date was pretty

Nobody knew who the date was

Hermione was curious

She followed Harry

She saw a very pretty blond

Hermione, felt as if she had seen that blond before, but wasn't sure where

She was wearing a nice pleated skirt and a red top

The blond and Harry were laughing, and the blond kissed Harry on the cheek

Harry blushed 

The blond gave a cheeky smile – which looked like a smirk

Hermione's eye's widened

Harry was in bliss

Hermione knew who the blond was

She charged up to her

Harry was surprised and angry

Hermione yanked the long blond wig off

There was Draco Malfoy, in drag, with a bit too much make-up on


	4. Wrestling

"I can't take it anymore! You're killing me!" Snape exclaimed

Everyone in the class gasped, Snape never showed weakness in the wrestling class. Professor Mcgonagal rolled her eyes and got off Snape. He rubbed his arm and had a pained expression on his face.

"That is what you do girls, if any offending male tries anything funny on you!"

All the guys were shocked and looked on the girl's side. All the girls had evil looks on their faces.

"Right girls, pick a boy to practise on. But remember girls, be safe and not to aggressive"

Carefully choosing her partner, Hermione walked over to Draco tapped him on his shoulder and punched him harm on his arm.

"OW!"

"Can't take a bit of pain Drakie-poo?" Hermione crooned in a Pansy-like manner

"I was very unsuspected, if you must know"

Hermione shrugged and punched him again, but harder, on the other arm

"OWW!"

"You were ready that time, Cry-baby – I bet I could beat you too a pulp"

"I'd like to see you try…"

With that, Hermione tried out the new move Prof. Mcgonagal taught them – she twisted his arm, knocked him to the ground and sat on him arm.

At the end of that lesson, all the guys were cowering on one side of the classroom, licking their wounds. All quite bruised.

On the other side, the girls were fixing up their hair, stretching and laughing, while drink bottles of sparkling water.

"Good work girls!! Now we'll try what I call the 'nut-punch' or kick"

All the guy's eye's widened and they all ran out of the room, screaming and covering their privates.

"Oh well, we still have Professor Snape to practise on"


	5. Ron's Spunkie Undies

One day Ron decided to go swimming, but he couldn't find his trunks. But he REALLY wanted to go. 

"Hmmm…" thought Ron, "If I went in my spunkiest undies – no-one would really notice"

So he went to put on his pair of maroon, woollen undies his mum knitted for him. They might've looked itchy, but it fact they were quite comfortable.

Grabbing his towel he went down to the lake.

Almost everyone was down there. It seemed to be the best place to be in the sweltering heat. 

Of course, Dumbledore saw this as a good idea, so he netted off a part of the lake for the giant squid to roam around free. 

Throwing his towel on a rock, he quickly got into the lake, before anyone could see, his woolly undies. Hermione swam up to him, in a cute light blue bikini. "Hey Ron, took you a while to come! Come on the diving board with me and Harry, it's way fun! It's a bit high, but so cool! And the water doesn't slap your thighs either!"

"Um, I think I'll pass"

"Ok, then, suit your self" And as quick as ever Hermione got out and waited in the line to so on the extremely high diving board

Swimming around, avoiding people, Ron didn't realise that his woolly undies, caught on a pointy bit of seaweed, and was slowly untangling. 

Suddenly out of the blue, Harry dunks him, "arrgh!" shouted Ron, (which actually sounded like garrghghghgh – cause he was under water). 

Harry cracked up laughing; he was in spunkier board shorts, and didn't mind showing of his washboard abs. He had gotten a tan, and decided to lighten his hair. So now Harry looked like one of the surfie guys on the beach. 

"You jerk! I could've drowned!"

Harry cracked up all over again

"I though you went on the diving board" Ron asked

"Nah, the line was way to long, so I went looking for you."

"Oh, ok"

Harry went under the water, to remove a rock from under his foot, when he saw a surprising sight.

"Ron! I didn't know you liked swimming in the nude!" Harry exclaimed

"W-what?! Oh crap! My undies have unravelled!"

Going very red, Ron was looking around, hoping no one was going to look underwater, near him. (He covered his privates just in case). Harry looked at him strangely, "unravelled? You used woollen undies? How un-co is that! Dude! You are so busted! EVERYONE knows nude day is tomorrow!"

So Ron had to swim around until everyone left, then when everyone did leave, he realised someone took his towel. Looking around, he ran out quickly, hoping to not get noticed, but accidentally forgot about the Quidditch practise that afternoon, and streaked across the Quidditch patch.

"STREAKER" everyone yelled

Ron went bright red, ran away and hoped no one knew whom he was.

Dumbledore, sighed and whispered to Professor McGonagal, "I knew we shouldn't have allowed nudists to come to Hogwarts!"


	6. Pashing and fainting

Harry and Ron walked up the corridor, when they stopped dead in their tracks, the two boys saw Draco and Hermione pashing, and it didn't look like they were going to stop anytime soon.

Harry gave a fake cough.

Didn't even stop for that.

Ron gave a louder cough.

Nope.

"Hermione! Can you hear me! Stop eating his face! You don't know where it's been!" Harry screamed

They didn't even acknowledge they were there.

Ron got nauseous and fainted. 

Harry walked over to them, and was about to pry them apart, when; he got overcome with sickness and fainted too.

Immediately Hermione broke away from Draco.

"Damn you!" She exclaimed, and handed Draco 20 Galleons

Draco shrugged, and smirked, "I told you they were sissies, and they'd faint"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Fine! Lets do it again, but when Pansy finds us, I bet you 30 Galleons she'll scream and start crying and shouting at us"

"Even I know she'll do that! Lets do it in the hall at dinner…"


	7. triple date!

Hermione sighed as she sipped her steaming mug of mocha.

She was waiting for her "secret admirer" or something like that.

For the last few weeks or so, she had been receiving these mushy love letters from anonymous, except all in different writing.

-She received chocolates

-A dozen roses

-And an expensive looking necklace

She had no-idea who the hell it was, but didn't mind. Hermione just loved showing off to Lavender and Parvati.

So now she was waiting, drinking her mocha, just waiting – he had sent 3 different letters, asking to meet her today. Three! While Hermione was pondering:

Harry came in

Then Ron

Then Draco

Puzzled, she just watched the 3 boys as they all casually walked up to her.

"Hey, watch it Pothead, I have a special arrangement with Hermione, so if you 2 don't mind, please leave" Requested Draco, in the most polite way he could ask (through his teeth)

"You sent the letter?!" exclaimed Hermione

"No I did," said both Harry and Ron indignantly 

All the boys gave inquisitive looks at each other

Hermione who was still holding her mocha, put it down, patted her lips dry, and took a deep breath.

"So let me get this straight, you all sent me different letters, different gifts, and all happened to want to meet me, at the same place, at the same time?" Hermione asked, with one eyebrow raised.

All the boys shrugged, and nodded, still looking dumbfounded.

Hermione, just sat there, and said, "Whoa…Freaky…"

"Oh well, I gave the most romantic gift – a bunch of everlasting roses, so you two sod off!" Harry ordered, with the flick of his wrist

"I don't think so Harry! I gave her an exquisite, edible gift, of delectable French chocolate, so there," Ron exclaimed

"Pfft! You two are so under the mark, when trying to win a girls heart, you go to their best friend – Jewellery. I gave her a hand made, sterling silver, diamond encrusted pendant, hanging off a delicate thin silver chain" Draco concluded, smugly.

Hermione raised both eyebrows, while listened to the boys trying to outdo each other – 

"But my flowers had the best scent and will last for 100 years more"

"My chocolates just got sent from France"

"My necklace cost 100000000000 galleons…"

"Will you three shut up, and stop acting like little immature school kids" Hermione blustered exasperatedly.

All the boys stopped dead in their tracks, and looked at their shoes, ashamed.

"You three are unbelievable! Harry those roses wilted and died, a few days later that I got them. Don't you look so smug Ron! Those chocolates were from China – it said it on the packet, and don't you dare start laughing Draco Malfoy! That necklace was so cheap, the diamonds fell of, and the chain broke." Hermione bellowed

All boys were speechless, closing and opening their mouths like goldfish.

"But since, you were all so cute, I'll let you all be my slaves for a day."

Draco, Ron and Harry's faces all lit up and they carried Hermione on their shoulder, while feeding her grapes and fanning her with gigantic feather and telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was.  


	8. In the Nursery

In the nursery, covered with little moving snitch wallpaper, little Harry, little Hermione's, little Ron, all sat, playing with toys.

Little Harry pushed his glasses up, and spoke with a lisp, "how come Hermione, how come, you gots the pwretty red blockths and I got the thupid gween oneths? And howcomth Ron doesn't have glasses like me? Andth why does Ron gets to colour in?"

Little Hermione rolled her eyes, and crossed her chubby arms, "why do you always have to ask me your stupid questions! I have the red blocks because I'm more specialler than you! And Ron doesn't have glasses because he's more specialler than you!" And with that Hermione kicked her pretty red blocks, and walked over the play dough table where Draco was making a unicorn.

Little Harry's shoulders slumped; his mouth turned into a little pout, and his lips trembling. His big emerald eyes started to fill up with tears. His voice shaky, and upset, "all I wanted was to know why you have pwretty blocks…" Harry sniffed and made little whining noises, then burst out crying.

Little Ron stopped playing with toy broom, and put his finger to his lips and whispered (but little Ron could never control his saliva, so he tended to spit a lot), "You shouldn't cry, only babies cry. We're older now! 3 is a big boys age, my mummy said so. It's also when you're supposed to start wee-weeing in da toilet!"

Little Harry stopped immediately, and sniffed. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and also wiped the spit (from Ron) off his face and nodded. So he went to building buildings again. "Your right! And Hermy is just a big meanie-poo!"

**[On the other side of the room]**

"YOUR NOT DOING IT RIGHT!" Little Draco yelled. As he tried to show Hermione how to use the magic play-dough.

"NO! **YOU'RE** NOT DOING IT RIGHT!" Little Hermione screamed back. And she threw a big piece of purple play-dough at little Draco's head.

"OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" shrieked little Draco, "I'm dobbing on you! I'm going to tell my dad, and he's going to, going to…hang you on a clothes hook and never let you down!" Sulked Draco, rubbing his head

Little Hermione stuck her tongue out and screwed up her face. Then Little Draco slammed some blue play-dough in her mouth.

"EWWW! Yuk!" Little Hermione spat, "I'm gonna get you! You stupid bum!"

And little Hermione chased little Draco all around the nursery, past Little Harry sucking his thumb, past Little Ronnickens building some sort of…thing… past little Lavender and Little Parvati playing with each others hair and past little Pansy trying to rig her skirt up.

"ARRRGHHH HELP! A crazy lunatic is trying to kill me!" little Draco bawled, as he screamed in high pitch intervals.

All little Hermione did was bare her perfectly straight teeth, hollering, "I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get you!"

As the caretaker walked in, she rolled her eyes, and muttered, "This is the start of a wonderful friendship!"


End file.
